In the last column I focused on our propensity for sexual double lives as a tool to survive an oppressive upbringing. Unfortunately, when we form a negative pattern of sexual behavior, especially young in life, it’s sometimes a challenge to change and let it go, even when there’s a plethora of pleasurable options available.

Furthermore, when we foster a double life, it’s almost impossible to avoid placing shame on the parts that are deemed less acceptable. This can result in a kind binge behavior. We’ve all known people that, while in the process of “coming out,” would live a prudish, nearly celibate life and then swing to the other extreme, going on a sexual binge. Neither of these extremes is necessarily wrong; it’s just that some of these folks make this swinging back and forth their routine and they don’t feel great about sexuality in either position.

I’d also like to propose another scenario where this dichotomous lifestyle shows up. Some people live the first half of their lives fanatically devoted to a sex-negative religion, almost to a militant degree. Then, when they can no longer deny the reality of their sexuality (often caught with their pants down), they are forced to switch sides. Yet, they seem to maintain the same hateful militancy but it’s simply for the opposite “team.” Granted, horrible, oppressive things have been exacted upon homosexuals in the name of Jesus. However, hate and intolerance are a problem regardless of whose “team” you’re on.

Don’t think I’m just pointing a finger. The first two decades of my life were spent in a Southern Baptist environment learning to distrust my body and denying my emotions. So with therapy a regular part of the second half of my life, if I swing somewhat heavy into the sexual to balance out the first half, I’m just fine with it. There’s certainly something to be said about making up for lost time. However, with so much talk of the extremes, it’s easy to forget that there are many choices in between them.

What little our culture teaches us about decision-making doesn’t help either. We are a society that praises the squeaky wheel. Whoever and whatever is the most outrageous clip of the week is what the media focuses on. The subtle message being, “Extreme obsessiveness is applauded, while a moderate consideration of a diversity of understandings does not boost ratings.”

A great example is that our government has two opposite and often extreme parties: liberals and conservatives. Is it any wonder why we get locked and paralyzed as often as we do? A paradox then occurs because the vast majority of the population is not made up of the squeaky wheel, which means this group often goes unheard. My point is having a bipartisan government only reinforces the limitations of thinking in extremes — wrong or right, bad or good, black or white, heaven or hell, gay or straight, male or female, top or bottom. The list goes on and never does it account for all the wild, rainbow diversity of our universe. Sure, a few decisions only have two choices, but most of our decision-making is severely inhibited by assuming there are only two opposite and extreme answers. In contrast, many governments have three parties — liberals, conservatives, and moderates — to better reflect the variety of a given population.

When it comes to sexuality — a beautiful example of humanity’s diversity — it’s a miracle that our culture gets beyond missionary position. Even gays and lesbians have trouble looking beyond the “opposite” labels of gay and straight. Yet, the Kinsey Scale is not made up two points, zero being straight and six being gay. It’s a continuum with infinite orientation possibilities. Hell! You don’t even have to choose a spot on the scale if you don’t want to.

Typical challenges in our sex play fall prey to these extreme bipolar decision-making approaches. So what if one day my cock is not as hard as I’d like. What’s the first thing that goes through my head? The extreme, “Oh! My Gawd! Something is terribly wrong! This is the end of my sex drive!” How about the myth that sex has to be cum shots and fireworks every time or I guess I’m a bad lover? How about the myth that bisexual people just want their cake and eat it too? Well what’s so damn wrong with that? Free your sex and free yourself to the millions of possibilities that is pleasure. I know the lack of structure can be scary, but the benefits are limitless!

Sex Ed in Bed Index

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