It came from out of nowhere. Within a 24 hour period my testicle — more specifically, my left epididymis monstrously expanded to larger than both my testicles put together. And the pain? Oh! The horror! It felt like an elbow permanently lodged in my crotch. That long dull ache that comes after a gouge in the nuts was constant. Do women experience the same kind of pain in their ovaries? Without a doubt, nothing yanks and stiffly holds a man’s attention like a blow to the gonads. Can I get an, “Amen?!”

So what the hell was going on? I was pretty confident that it wasn’t testicular cancer. I confirmed this by contacting a fellow sexologist, Christopher Eden, M.D. As a pelvic educator, he trains doctors’ and nurses’ bedside manner when it comes to the delicate work of examining patient’s genitals. Testicular cancer gradually develops as hard lumps directly on the testicle and they are usually painless. Because of this men may not realize they have a serious problem. That’s why it’s important to regularly examine your marbles since early detection is the best prevention. To find an easy step by step guide to self-examination go to http://www.cancer.org.

I also ruled out testicular torsion. This is when a testicle gets rotated in the scrotum and twists not only the Vas deferens (the tubes that sperm travel through to leave the body) but the rotation also twists the veins to the testicle cutting off its blood supply. It can quickly kill the testicle and almost always happens to guys in their teens. Furthermore, both my friends who had TT were out of their minds crazy with pain. They screamed, sobbed, and vomited from the torture. Though mine hurt, I wasn’t out of control.

I don’t have the space to explain them here, but I also explored two other possibilities — hydrocele and varicocele that didn’t match my symptoms either. After calls to medical friends, a trip to the emergency room, and one internet search later, I figured out what was happening. I had epididymitis —a bacterial infection of the epididymis. In some ways it’s like my balls had caught a cold. Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld’s book, The New Male Sexuality (probably one of the best books on male sexual health) describes the epididymis as the baggy tube like area connecting the testicles and the Vas deferens which usually aligns itself behind the testicle.

Accessing netdoctor.co.uk I learned that epididymitis is usually caused by some kind of urinary system infection, like, gonorrhea, or chlamydia, but in many cases no identifiable organism is found. I matched the latter because I had coincidentally been tested the week before and I had no STDs. The emergency room doctor believed it also could occur from way too much strain and stretch on the scrotum and its contents. He often saw metal cockrings to be the culprit. Mind you, I’m all for penis jewelry, but if you’re going for the extreme, gradually work up to it, for cryin’ out loud.

I was given antibiotics for any possible infection and I was given lots of painkillers (halleluiah!). Empathetically, the doctor told me to put ice on it and keep it elevated as much as possible. I managed a chuckle even in my aching state. I know some guys get into the hot and cold thing on their happy sack, but I ain’t one of them. There was no way I was refrigerating my bell gongs, even if one was big enough to, well, gong a bell. As far as keeping it elevated, I’m still laughing at the visual. Does anybody have a sling for my left man-berry or should I just toss it over my shoulder? Maybe I should put it in a cast and everyone can sign it.

I learned later that the elevation approach was valid. After a night’s sleep the swelling would go down slightly. Then, after a day of it getting banged around while walking and standing it would swell again. I also determined that tighty whities, which held the jewels close to me, were preferable to say, boxers. Going loosy-goosy caused the additional weight to sway and pull the scrotum and Vas deferens. This stretching made the whole left side of my abdomen sore.

After about a week to ten days, the swelling reduced and my love knocker was getting back to normal, although it was still sensitive. What a relief, because some cases have taken up to six weeks before returning to normal. Who’da thunk our little velvet orbs could catch the sniffles? For such small body parts, they sure can cause a drama scene when they’re sick!

Sex Ed in Bed Index

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