Sex Ed in Bed

On safari to glimpse the wild penis
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).

Imagine a booming narrator’s voice saying, “From the dawn of time, struggling against the harsh elements to survive, man has always found solace in coaxing the joy jelly out of his tallywacker.” Alas, in a society that grossly values the newest, bigger, better and faster thing, we tend to apply unnecessary pecking orders to just about everything, including our sexuality. That’s why, as a sexologist, I’ve been asked, “How can I have the best orgasm every time?”

What this question infers is that there could actually be orgasms that aren’t great, not to mention the question demands the identical orgasm over and over (yawn!). Since sexual pleasure is so subjective from person to person, I’d like to think of myself not as an answer man, but as a kind of erotological tour guide, pointing out a varied and veritable forest of phalli with their pollinating potions. So grab an umbrella and let’s go on a safari of the sexual sort.

(Ahem!) Is everyone gathered ‘round? We begin our tour with a lovely specimen — an ejaculator that produces an enormous amount of white juice time and again. Really, even if he’s recently cum — d’oh! — there he goes again with buckets full. Watch your step.

This brings us to our next protruding sample, the multiple ejaculator. And what a fine beast he is! This peppy pecker can pop its cork several times in a row. By the way, aging does not always reduce this kind of sputtering fountain.

Related to this species is a rare creature, the female ejaculator. Does it exist or is it a legend? This safari guide can tell you from meeting an owner in person and watching on video the love cream spurt at the height of her orgasm, it does indeed exist. Unfortunately, even in this day and age, sexism and taboo has kept scientific study from venturing into the uncharted lands of the female orgasm, believe it or not.

Now over here in this field of veiny love-stalks you’ll notice that many of them have had their tops trimmed back. Now, there is a theory that circumcision dulls the head’s sensitivity. Yet, once again, because of our society’s resistance of exploring such territory, there has never been any scientific study made to prove the premise until this year. A study in San Francisco (where else?) tested penile sensitivity on dozens of cocks with the results soon to be published.

Please have a seat for the performance part of the tour. This school of zipperfish has been trained by their owners to do tricks. No, they don’t speak on command, but they can orgasm without ejaculating. Using breath control and well-developed muscle skills some have experienced multiple and prolonged orgasms that are positively life changing.

Moving on, I must point out that some one-eyed trouser snakes can occasionally ejaculate without orgasm, or ejaculate earlier than desired, or can’t cum at all. Experts have found these to be mostly emotional challenges and not physical ones. Of course, if this kind of behavior is consistently occurring, please consult a specialist, like a sex therapist or a physician who has insight into the mind of a penis. Chances are when given proper attention these fluctuations will pass.

As referred to earlier, age does not have to dilute the vigor of these energetic animals. Biologically, penises change and stay healthy in line with the rest of the body. Therefore, as one ages it might take longer to cum, but it might also take longer to run up a hill. However at any age, what’s the rush? Why not make a day of it. In fact, a study released in the Journal of the American Medical Association (April, 2004) showed that the more owners regularly (even daily) spent time playing and cumming with their penises the more it reduced the chances of getting prostate cancer.

As you can see, there are many kinds of penises to be tamed, trained, toyed and tinkered with. Furthermore, they make great, lifelong pets. Regardless of size, color, markings, or breeding habits most all of them resiliently respond with love and sticky devotion when given affection, especially when stroked on the head.

This concludes our tour, and really, you folks have been my best group ever! Any questions?

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