Sex Ed in Bed

Boo hoo! Sex is so much work!
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).

There’s a good number of people who turn up their noses when I suggest a little preplanning could spice up their sex life, especially couples. They respond with their heads down turned, “Yeah, I know.” As if I just suggested they study more for a trigonometry test, or that I suggested they clean the floor with their tongues. I realize that in our fast paced society, we live by such extreme schedules that we don’t want to plan our sex life to death too. But that’s not what I usually hear from sexual anti-planners. I’m referring to a belief that preplanning makes sex somehow contrived, or less “from the heart.” Unanticipated sex is viewed as more genuine, as if spontaneity and passion were exclusively synonymous.

I would ask those who really resist planning sexual fun, “Why not?” Sometimes we believe that we don’t deserve pleasure or sex, much less planning ahead for it, so we’re used to sort of getting it on the fly. Without going all “therapist” and diving into the shame factors, what seems to go unnoticed is that almost everyone already does a certain amount of sexual preplanning. Have you ever gone through the unbearable process of renting a porno? How about the painstaking challenge of buying lube? Isn’t it just an arduous nuisance to log onto your favorite website to download the latest set of erotic photos? I’m being “ironical” because ultimately we do what we have to do to make sex enjoyable.

Furthermore, we would be amazed to find out to what extent so many of us manage our sexual pleasure and experiences. The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality oversees the largest collection of erotological materiel in the world. Occasionally people donate their libraries to the Institute. Many of them included a variety of homemade scrapbooks, picture albums and even intricate collages of erotic images. People have taken hours cutting out their favorite photos, pasting them into displays, and organizing them. Others are proud of their magazine or video collection and keep them meticulously organized. These days, with the internet, our sexual management comes in the form of jpegs, mpegs, compressed documents and streaming video. A huge number of us take a lot of time to manage our erotic pleasure by making desktop files, labeling our favorites, and storing them in such a way for easy access.

So you’re thinking, “Yes, but that’s something I enjoy doing.” And you’d be right — that’s the point! Don’t be constrained by the myth that planned sex is somehow less fun than spontaneous sex, when there are certain kinds of sexual planning that work very well — the kind we enjoy!

When it comes to couples, the key is still pleasure. Though it may feel overexposed and awkward at first, the overriding factor is that you both want sexual satisfaction for each other, which motivates you to do all kinds of fun and crazy things. So maybe ask yourself some serious questions if you really don’t get any enjoyment from occasionally whipping up something special for your special someone.

Besides, it doesn’t take much effort to make an evening unique. Like on a recent date I preplanned to say at the end of dinner, “I have some mango sorbet back at my place that I’d like to feed to you... Oh! I mean that I’d like to share with you.” The joke worked on every level, and with my intentions revealed, he accepted my invitation. To be honest, we never got to the sorbet.

Another way of looking at it is that we just can’t drop our drawers every time we have a sexual urge. But in those instances, planning when we will satiate our desires can really be exciting. Preplanning generates and feeds anticipation.

So try it one day. From the moment you wake, to the clock ticking by at work, to finally getting home, plan and anticipate a really thorough whip cream explosion (whether alone or not). Remind yourself that you can make it through this day because whatever happens, it’s gonna’ end well! When the moment comes, take your time lathering up your crotch. You might even get your right hand doing the finger dance of discovery while your left hand has a firm grip on a vibrator. Those fantasies that have all day been rolling across the wide screen of your mind are now in high definition, baby! I’ll bet your orgasm will be all that you imagined and more. That’s not only taking good pleasure in yourself, that’s great project development, implementation, and closure!

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