Sex Ed in Bed
Threesomes, foursomes and moresomes
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).

If you do any amount of sexual exploration, sooner or later you’re going to come across the possibility of group sex. Bathhouses, sex clubs and private play parties can provide opportunities for sexual experiences in mass like, group massage, puppy piles and circle jerks. These can have such a large and undisclosed number of people that a healthy sensitivity and respect for boundaries can help you go far as well as help you and your friends go over the blissful edge.

Probably the most important idea to remember, especially in smaller groups of three or four, is that your attention is divided. With some practice we can divide our attention between a number of people (we do it all the time in conversation, etc...). But if you’re one-half of a couple, a group scene can be a precarious environment to maneuver through. When you’re with one partner, all your attention is bestowed on him and vis versa. With two or more, your attention is continually balancing between them all. What a lot of people can’t handle is not so much dividing their own attention as it is having their partner give some of his sexual attention to another person. That’s the real challenge. It can play havoc on your insecurities if you haven’t dealt with them.

It really is a small exercise in “setting free the one you love.” Successful threesome adventurers seem to be most at ease when they are able to enjoy watching their partner receive pleasure. If your boyfriend is writhing and wiggling in ecstasy when getting a blow job, it’s assumed you’d be happy for him (as well as finding it mighty sexy to watch) — if you could set aside the fact that you aren’t the one giving the blow job.

Watching can be a very privileged experience for the one(s) who is(are) welcomed into the bedroom of a couple who’s been together for a while. It can be quite an honor (not to mention incredibly hot) to take a break from the activity and witness the two making love. Try sensitively egg the couple on, “You two are so beautiful together!” Whew, my computer screen is steaming up from just the thought of it.

Coupled relationships need to do some extensive negotiating when exploring sexual activities with other people. Wanting sexual variety is not necessarily a sign of a dying relationship, but we do tend to carry a lot of baggage from our upbringing and from society that tells us very specific ideas about what makes a relationship, which can be helpful and get in the way, all at the same time. So you might even want to employ a good therapist or sex specialist to help with the communication.

Bringing a single person into your intimate sex/play space and even having an ongoing connection with the same third party can be complicated. In a threesome there are actually four relationships — 1) you and your partner, 2) you and the third party, 3) your partner and the third party, and 4) all three of you at the same time. Accepting and allowing all the details and differences between these four connections takes a lot of work and trust. Most of us have a tough enough time nurturing one primary relationship let alone four, and therefore I have a lot of respect for those who can maintain a threesome relationship.

Furthering that idea, I have noticed what really helps in a group sexual experience is the receptiveness and flexibility of the participants to take on and change different rolls. If you’re the newest member to a threesome, you’ll probably be the one who goes home alone. You may feel like the third wheel sometimes, because you are — and nothing’s wrong with that. If in a play time, you want to sit back and watch, that’s OK. There’s always someone in a group who will be the least interested in having sex and that needs to be OK, too. If you want to be the one who gets (safely) gang banged by everyone — go for it.

My close group of friends are open to different sexual arrangements. I remember a particularly young (yet legal) fellow having horny fun with three of us who were... not as young as him. At one point he simply reclined and soaked up all the love and attention we were giving to him. The three of us each came once for him, and he came three times — once for each of us. D’oh! I can’t see what I’m typing again...

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