Sex Ed in Bed
Your big fat piece o’ the pie
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).

Most of us approach sex like climbing stairs. Maybe the first step is a romantic dinner. The second could be nightclub dancing. Let’s say the third is going back to your place, all the while you strategize about getting further up the stairs. Another step is getting naked, and so on... And finally, the very last step is where you orgasm with arms outstretched, screaming, “I’m king of the world!” Um... well, something like that.

Far be it from me to knock a tried and true design for sexual satisfaction. Hell! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But let’s face it, there’s a lot more sexual pleasure out there than this routine. If you don’t believe me, then Honey, you may be in a rut — really. You may have truly deprived your sexual taste buds. Furthermore, those stairs and steps can not only be precarious, but rickety, sending some of us falling way too often and missing the enjoyment all together. It’s almost like if sex doesn’t go the way you planned, then the whole evening is brought down and scrapped.

So, instead of the stair-step approach, consider the pie perspective. Sexual pleasure is not just an uphill climb but a big ol’ plump and juicy, hot-out-of-the-oven pie. And orgasm is just one slice of it — granted, a fat and steamy slice, but a piece of the whole, none the less. This tasty metaphor now gives you the freedom to sample a veritable smorgasbord of possibilities. How ‘bout samplin’ a lil’ nibblin’ on the ear. Why don’t you try a nice slice of creamy smooth arse. Don’t some of that banana cream pie go down smooth? How ‘bout breathing in that intoxicating aroma of armpit lickin’! And don’t get me started on hot fudge and whip cream, grrrl! Oh, My! Wouldn’t Betty Crocker just turn over in her grave?

Another situation when the pie approach can really be helpful is at that elusive yet extremely awkward moment when you and your partner determine whether to have sex or not for the first time. You start to obsessively think, “It’d be nice if he could give me a signal when he wants to go to bed. What if I suggest a ‘bump in the whiskers’ and he turns up his nose. How do I express my desire but also tell him it’s OK if we don’t have sex?” Take a big breath. Don’t fixate. Chill for a moment and shift your thinking. Yes, of course you want sex but let’s not stumble from rushing up the stairs. Remember the pie. The whole evening with your partner is a pleasurable experience. Try a slice of making out or heavy petting. Put a piece of romantic compliments on a silver platter and whisper it in your loved one’s ear. Who knows where it could lead you?

It’s also worth noting that research shows as guys get older some of our responses slow down, like orgasm and ejaculation. Along with this, there often seems to be a shift from being so rocket-popping focused to enjoying the overall experience. I write this for all those studs who think at some nebulous age the party’s over — not at all! Your body is just changing over time. It’s up to you whether you’re going to choose to enjoy the adjustments to your fullest or not. Try following in the potent footsteps of the late James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) who at the age of 80 years old impregnated his wife who then gave birth to their third child. Of course, when I write, “walk in the footsteps...” I’m not suggesting you find a woman to impregnate when your eighty. I’m just saying go for the gusto, especially as you get older. Anyway, there’s always some octogenarian shooting like a fountain of youth in the face of research. So don’t sell your sausage pie short. Have your sexuality and eat it too. Enjoy the fun like a pie in the face and then lick the pie pan dry!

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