Sex Ed in Bed

Sharing the good stuff
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).

At a recent sex party I joined in a circle jerk with a group of guys. A dozen or so of us were laid out on couches and chairs, reclining on mattresses, on our knees and standing. All of us were naked. All of us were raging hard. There wasn’t a lot of groping except of our own respective cocks. Looking around the room, the view literally vibrated with energy, like when half of the sun ripples on the horizon. Facial expressions and moans said that everyone was attempting to delay orgasm as long as possible, but it was truly an athletic challenge, since we were stroking our cocks so passionately. Every so often someone would start to go over the edge and we all could watch his approach. When the man’s cum hit the air, the eruption of camaraderie sounded like a locker room after winning the big game. Smelt like it, too! What can I say? We all knew what to do to make the winning play, and no one else could have done it better.

Thoroughly enjoying the experience, I recognized this unique sexual configuration innately contained dynamics that guarantee sexual ecstasy, whether in a group, with a partner, or alone. Everyone was simultaneously fueling and feeding off the sexual energy. Everyone wanted the best experience we could possibly create, and the more pleasure everyone experienced, the hotter sex got. To be fully present as a group, each one of us was in control of, and responsible for our own sexual fulfillment.

The opportunity to connect in this manner is what I call “Sharing the good stuff.” STGS for short is not so much a set of steps to successful orgasm, as it is a subtle mindset, a kind of general outlook that results in great sex. Here are the basic ideas:

STGS is an awareness of the influence we have on each other. All of us go through life seeing only a minute portion of the enormous affect we have on the people we constantly interact with. Influences are unavoidable. Some would like to think they could maneuver through life in a vacuum, leaving no impression on anyone. But this is a panacea, because even our inactivity affects others. The question to ponder would be, is our influence positive or negative?

STGS is a determination that sex be positive. Naturally, we at least hope that our presence has an overall positive affect. I guess the corny phrase, “Making the world a better place,” would apply and STGS chooses to bring this idea to bed with us. In the early 80’s the queer community really did not know if AIDS would kill every gay man on the planet. There was a sense that our quickly dwindling “gay species” could actually die out! Therefore, every person, especially our sex partners had to survive. In essence, we insisted that sex be a positive experience for everyone, but especially for ourselves, despite the challenges. It was a kind of camaraderie for everyone’s survival and pleasure.

STGS is taking responsibility for your own sexuality. There’s been a couple of times when partners assume that since I’m a sexologist, they can just lay back, expecting me to do all the work. No, no, no, Girl! Don’t go into an experience expecting or depending on the other person to show you a good time. Don’t wait for your partner to initiate the use of condoms. You have a good time and use condoms whether s/he initiates it or not. This is just as much about keeping fear, anxiety and guilt away, as it is about keeping disease away. You wield so much more sexual energy than you can ever fathom — might as well pass it on.

STGS is like sexually passing on an oral history. Before the written word, virtually all information was passed on verbally, by the face-to-face relationship of storytelling; and it was preciously guarded in the listeners’ memories. Just imagine the sense of pride a storyteller felt to remember the history correctly, as well as the pleasure everyone gained from hearing it. I’m sure stories changed and whole passages were forgotten, but they certainly didn’t forget the good stuff.

Ultimately, I can’t make anyone have a good experience, all I can do is share the good stuff. I can determine ahead of time that I’ll do my best to make my sex groovin’ baby! I can bump and grind in such a way that when a partner remembers our experience, he’s going to think, “Damn! That was hot lovin’!” This simple fact will never change: You have the opportunity for a positive or negative experience with every person you connect with. So, sexy mamma, what’s it gonna be?

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