Sex Ed in Bed

24-Hour Tonsil Hockey
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).

According to Paul Joannides’ Guide to Getting It On, French Kissing got its name from being the only activity the French could find to stop each other from talking too much. At least that’s the tongue-in-cheek history of it, so to speak. Unfortunately, for some people once they start this lovely activity they don’t seem able to do anything else — all French and no kiss. A date like this can be labeled the old Pezz Dispenser with their head back and candy down your choking throat. With their lips unreachable, making out is disappointingly reduced to sucking on your partner’s dripping muscle and no amount of tongue twisting can dislodge the mouthful. What’s a connoisseur of oral communication to do?

Assuming this irritation is quickly discovered after lips are first locked, there’s always the option of cutting your losses and moving on. However, if you’ve got a real catch with a lot of potential, there are a few simple maneuvers that will quickly turn your Uvula Snake into a lip-smackin’ artiste.

Foremost, no one sets out to be a bad kisser, so whatever you do, don’t call her/him one. Despite all the clever slang in this column, I highly discourage using any of these names when face-to-face. Your goal is not to be witty, but to be kissed. This humor, no matter how honest, would be a clear example of negative reinforcement not helping a situation.

Chances are, the tongue wagging is accompanied by lots of enthusiasm. This is a good thing, and you can work with it. Besides, being overwhelmed by passion can initially put our tongues on autopilot while other body parts are kicking into high gear. All this means is that your tongue pusher is eager to please, and into you big time! By the way, you should consider this a compliment, not a problem. So don’t lip gloss over it. I doubt your partner wants to, either. Savor the moment and share it. After all, you know that honing one’s skills at this juncture only serves to culminate and emphasize an even more pronounced and inevitable end (E-ghad! Was that sentence about sex?).

Sometimes, the nonverbal approach is all it takes to make your partner aware of their one-track tongue. This has worked successfully a time or two for myself. Simply imitate exactly what they are doing. If their tongue is sitting out front shielding access to their lips, your tongue should do the same. If they continually force their tongue down your throat, by golly, you force yours down theirs. Sometimes this kind of quick communication has been all I needed for my partner to get it. It’s even been something we could chuckle about after the fact. What I don’t like about this approach is that it’s a bit passive aggressive, as if something would be wrong with just talking about it. This is not a sword fight but affection. So if your partner doesn’t get this approach right away, move on to a more fun, sexy and overt approach.

Here’s what you do: Pause and empty your mouth. Put your lips right next to your partner’s ear, and whisper with your sexy voice, “Can we try something? I want to show you how I like to kiss.” In the book, Ask Me Anything, sex therapist, Marty Klein writes, “Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. Show him how to move his tongue, how to use his teeth, how to have a relaxed jaw, and how to stroke you leg (or whatever) at the same time (might as well ask for everything).”

Don’t forget to give lots of sexy feedback. “That feels great!” “Oh! yeah, more o’ dat!” Your reactions should give him/her the arousing clues of “hot, hotter, and flaming hottest,” without actually saying these words. I have found when a person is given the opportunity to try a variety of kissing styles, they often add what they discover to their repertoire.

Finally, never underestimate the sheer pleasure of mindful enjoyment. By this I mean kissing with panache, as if it’s the last set of lips you’ll ever come across. It’s like what some of the most proficient sex workers have told me in regards to blowjob technique, “Enjoy his cock like it was the best one you ever had.” This works just as well for kissing, too!

If your partner still interfaces using only the tongue, you could always try something really overt, like leaving this column laying out on the coffee table for him/her to read. Otherwise, you can always put that tongue to a variety of uses. There are several other orifices that such an active tongue can be utilized with stimulating results!

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