Sex Ed in Bed
Breaking the silence
By Jallen Rix, Ed.D. (c).
When I watch erotica, I tend to enjoy amateur, solo, jack-off videos the most. There’s no useless plot dialogue (though it has kitschy merits all its own). There’s no director off camera attempting to motivate the actors into contrived desires, or twisting them into pretzel-like positions. The guy just gets naked and makes himself feel so good that he shoots his wad. I like that genuineness, and despite the money, he’s doing this specifically for me to enjoy watching him.
So the other day I’m watching this streaming video on so-and-so.com and this particularly hot guy is using both hands to build his tower of power, if you know what I mean. And then... and then... What, he’s done? No grunt or groan? No smile or rolling back of the eyes? No convulsions that nearly bounce him off camera? Wait... Oh, is that a reflection of cum on the tip of his spire? If it wasn’t for that flash on his “headlight,” I wouldn’t have even known he had cum.
I am amazed at the number of “performers” who put on a show (or lack thereof) exactly like this guy. Besides the fact they are being paid, it’s as if they almost defy physics and the laws of nature by showing absolutely no sign of pleasure, nay, not even a spasm induced orgasm whatsoever. I have to wonder what motivates them to not register any outward sign of enjoyment. Come on, people, it’s an orgasm! Could it be that one of the greatest feelings our bodies can produce just doesn’t feel all that visibly good to so many men?
Granted, this is probably their first time in front of a camera, much less in front of a camera naked, so I can imagine they might be nervous and not loosened up enough to emote. Top that with the male stereotype found in the majority of Western Society, and you have the “strong silent type” upstaging sexual expression. Indeed, odds are, most of us have trained ourselves to cum quietly because of the shame surrounding masturbation. If you grew up in a big family with little privacy, you probably had to figure out a lot of things in silence, under the darkness of your bed sheets. But chances are, you don’t have to hide there anymore.
So what do the experts say? Some sexologists believe that you can increase your pleasure if you express it vocally, like sexologist, Dr. Joseph Kramer, founder of Body Electric. He says, “Shame stifles the sounds of pleasure, [while] making sounds amplifies the feelings of pleasure. When I make sounds during sex, the pleasure doubles. Why not let the neighbors hear?” Hell, even the Bible says to “make a joyful noise to God,” and what could be more ecstatic than sex?
Making sexy groans, moans and “Oh! Yeah’s” are also great ways to indicate to your partner that s/he is pushing the right buttons. Make it into a game of finding the hidden treasure, “You’re getting cooler, cooler, Oh! You’re like ice... warmer, warmer, hotter Oh, Baby! You’re on fire!” Try to find your partner’s most erogenous zones simply by the noises s/he makes. Believe me, it’s even more fun than it sounds.
Now let me say that if you happen to enjoy a silent orgasm, nothing’s wrong with that. Furthermore, there can also be extremes. You certainly want to be respectful of other people’s need for sleep and quiet time. I remember just after college, having a straight, particularly well-endowed roommate (he was quite proud to show it off) whose girlfriend received the secret title between my friends as “the screamer.” When he started to fuck her, we truly wondered if she was being split in half as her bloodcurdling cries were heard well beyond the walls of our house. Rest assured, the next morning she was just fine and ready for more.
Ultimately, consider what you are saying to yourself if/when you stifle your pleasure. It’s kind of like the message that parents give their children when they don’t say anything about sex at all, “If you don’t hear about it, it must be wrong.” So cut loose a little. Let your pleasure crawl like fingers out of your crotch up, over your tummy and chest. Throughout your whole body feel the ecstasy you’re creating and let it come out of your throat and voice and express what you feel. And even if someone hears you, I’ll bet they’ll be jealous of the fun you’re having, so hit that high note for all of us.
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