As a little kid, I was petrified of scary movies until one dark and stormy night my big brother sat me down in front of the television to watch Frankenstein. I started to freak out and cry, but then my brother explained that it was all pretend. They were just actors faking it to make a movie. Oh! The light bulb went on — no one ever told me it was pretend! Ever since then, I like a scary film every once in a while.

I’ve found that story to be a great example of both the problem and solution for a common misconception about the power of sexual fantasies. There is a prevalent myth that if you harbor a particular fantasy, then you must also want it to happen in real life. Furthermore, the fear of real-life repercussions keeps many of us from exploring our fantasies whether they’re simple day dreams or elaborate role playing scenarios. But this is similar to the time I didn’t realize the difference between a movie and reality. Can you imagine if I had resisted watching the movie and rejected learning from my brother? I might have been fearful for years. Certainly the possibility of a fantasy becoming real can be so powerful that we can be intimidated by it. What’s often forgotten is that fantasies serve a purpose without them ever becoming reality.

Take for example one of the most popular sexual fantasies: “The Rape Scene.” Ask anyone who enjoys a good rape fantasy and you’d be hard pressed to find someone who actually wants to be violently abused against their will. It’s the fantasy that’s arousing, not actually being violated. So if you would like to feel as if you’re not responsible (and therefore guilt free) for what happens to you sexually, and if you want a partner who desires you so ravenously that nothing is going to stop him/her, and if it’s someone you’d want to have sex with anyway — a rape fantasy might be the thing for you. Like a roller-coaster, it’s all the thrill but very little risk.

Also consider my friends, whom I’ll call Bob and Mike. Bob is HIV negative, Mike is HIV positive, and they’ve been together for quite sometime. When it comes to sex, they have a few very clear lines they do not cross so that Bob maintains his negative HIV status. Obviously, Mike would never want to have Bob’s conversion on his conscience. With their perimeters in place, they are free to talk dirty to each other like a couple of old sailors... gay sailors, that is! “Arg! Matie, I’m gonna’ fill up yr’ pink round arse with my hot creamy love grog!” Though they’d never put Bob at risk, their verbal expression has no limitation, and there’s no reason it should be limited.

Back in the ninety’s when I was regularly practicing massage, a client came to me whom I’ll call Phil. As soon as Phil showed up I could tell there was something on his mind, but he never expressed what it was. I gave him my best massage and sent him on his way. I week or two later, I got a call from Phil and with great trepidation, he confided in me that as soon as he walked into my studio he was struck by my uncanny resemblance to his younger brother. It made sense that he was uncomfortable in having his “brother” give him a massage, but that wasn’t what he meant. With extreme nervousness he mustered the courage to tell me that — for decades — he fantasized about having sex with his brother. Of course, he knew it would never happen, but he timidly asked if we could role play with me pretending to be his younger brother. We talked over how the fantasy would unfold and because I started to get a woody, I knew that not only would it be hot, it would also be quite an honor to fulfill his life-long fantasy.

The night rolled around, and Phil showed up at my door — nervous, but really excited. I played the part of his “bro” while mom and dad were out of town. Phil gently and passionately expressed his pent up feelings for his brother like never before! It was burnin’ hot man-love expressed between brothers. And when Phil left, he was far more relaxed than when I gave him a massage and he was beaming with joy. I’ve never heard from him again and that’s fine. Some fantasies, once explored, are enough for a lifetime.